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February 2013 |
drinkanddrugsnews
| 17
www.drinkanddrugsnews.com
Families |
Alcohol
For many young people
, feeling desperately alone comes with the territory of
growing up with a parent who has an addiction to alcohol and/or drugs. Life is
lived on a constant edge, as children try to work out when their parent is next
likely to embarrass them, when their dad will lose his job again, when mum
might leave the cooker on – and for some, when the next push, punch or tirade of
abuse will come in their direction.
The usual teenage worries fall to the bottom of the priority list when it comes
to what they wish for, and how they see their future. The number one wish for
many young people will be for their parent to give up an often long, painful, and
self-destructive cycle of misusing alcohol or drugs. As we know, it’s no easy feat to
give up an addiction, and more often than not it requires professional support
and ongoing aftercare, not to mention the parent recognising they have a
problem and having a desire to get help. Children, however, may see things
differently.
Through a child’s eyes, when dad tells his son that he is a ‘complete and utter
nuisance’ and that he ‘wishes he had never been born’ on a daily basis, the young
boy may spend much of his time wondering where he has gone wrong and what
he can do to make things better, thinking this might give his dad a reason to stop
drinking.
A recent case study is all too typical. A young boy aged 11 (let’s say his name
is Joe) loves his dad. He looks up to him and enjoys being taken to football every
Sunday. After football, Joe’s dad goes to the pub and comes home at 2am, then
wakes Joe up to tell him howmuch he loves him. Joe then finds it confusing in the
mornings, when he asks dad for the milk, and his dad then shouts at him to ‘get
it yourself you lazy shit’. Joe’s mum doesn’t seem to want to talk about dad’s
drinking. Her response to the regular drunken 2am wake-ups is to just ignore dad
and go back to sleep. So in Joe’s eyes, there’s no big problem here at home.
But Joe often lies awake at night hearing mum and dad argue about the bills
and dad’s drinking. He sits at his school desk wondering if mum will really do
what she said, and leave the family home. A heavy burden is on his shoulders, and
yet he is not sure why he feels the way he does and who he could talk to. For these
young people who do know what the problem is, and are aware that their parent
has an addiction, they will often keep this family secret hidden behind closed
doors.
Telling a friend or teacher that their mum or dad is an alcoholic is unthinkable
and the shame and loyalty to their parent keeps them silent. To tell isn’t an option
because of the fear of being ‘taken away’ by social services and because mum and
dad have told them not to, or they might suffer the consequences. Telling isn’t an
option because the unspoken law in the alcoholic home is not to tell, not to talk,
and not to trust.
Sometimes there seems nowhere to turn. One 16-year-old, contacting NACOA,
said: ‘I’m alone in the house with my sister. Mum and dad have just left, they had
a massive fight. Dad has been drinking. He always drinks and then hits us and
says it’s our fault and that he wishes we hadn’t been born.’
The annual National Children of Alcoholics week is from 10 to 16 February. Set
up by the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA), it brings
together organisations such as Children of Addicted Parents and People, and
Active Europe, to raise awareness of the 2.6m young people affected by parental
alcoholism. As professionals we can take this opportunity to put up posters, hold
events and reach out to young people who are afraid to talk and may not know
what the problem is.
Emma Spiegler is founding director of Children of Addicted Parents and
People (COAP).
COAP will be running a school poster campaign throughout 2013 with the
support of Libertine London. Saying the Unsaid, an event to raise awareness of
parental alcoholism and addiction, will be held on 15 February in London. For more
information email info@coap.org.uk and visit www.coaweek.org.uk for more
information about COA week.
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With National Children of Alcoholics
Awareness Week held this month,
Emma Spiegler
urges us to tackle
the silence, secrecy and stigma faced
by many children and young adults