DEAR FONDA
, my family and my fiancé’s family hate
each other. They’re usually polite enough to be civil
when forced into close proximity, but I’m worried that
an evening of drinking will add fuel to the fire. How can
I prevent WW3 erupting at our reception?
FONDA SAYS
: Rohypnol’s always best I find. My fella can
become particularly feisty when he's had a few, so quite
often I make sure that his second pint is a rohypnol
shandy. Works a treat – he falls asleep at the table, and
when he wakes up I make out that he's an
embarrassment, but due to my kind heart I won't say
anymore about it. I sometimes even spike his gravy now if
I want to watch the soaps in peace after dinner.
DEAR FONDA
, I can’t swim. I’ve never told my fiancé
because I’m highly embarrassed by it, but we’ve just
booked a very scuba-centric honeymoon because he
loves the water. Should I just ’fess up the truth?
FONDA SAYS
: Drowning has never been a good look on
the beach but it might make your man feel very
dominant and heroic if he rescues you. A man with a
massaged ego normally performs better in the bedroom,
so I say make sure he's by your side when you leap
excitedly from your pedalboat, and you'll soon be having
fun with his snorkel.
DEAR FONDA
, I’m supposed to be writing some vows for
my big day, but I have a major case of writer’s block. Part
of me cringes at the thought of gushing about my
feelings in front of family and friends, but I also know
this is a serious occasion. What’s the right balance of
sentiment and humour for my vows?
FONDA SAYS
: Sentiment is so overrated – people switch
off during the vows. I'm normally checking my Grindr
profile at that stage or listening to the radio through my
earphones to see if my horse came in. I wouldn't worry
about it too much. Just steal your favourite lyrics from a
Bananarama song and use them – no one will remember
them, and those that listen will think you're poetic and
emotive. Just remember to omit the woah-ah-woahs and
for goodness sake don't pick Nathan Jones, or he'll think
you've had an affair.
DEAR FONDA
, I’m incredibly shy and awfully clumsy. I’m
having a recurring nightmare about tripping on my
dress and landing spread eagled on the floor,
humiliating myself in front of all of our guests. What
can I do to calmmy nerves?
FONDA SAYS
: Darling, I always think a floor length dress is
an advertising opportunity missed – wear a mini! It will
stop you tripping and allow you to show off a fabulous set
of heels, but you will need to shave above the knee. Also
remember people will be looking to see if you’re wearing
anything blue in keeping with tradition, so if you don't
have varicose veins you'd better buy yourself a blue garter.
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for
hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
66 » pink weddings magazine
Ask FondA
Ask Fonda
Our agony aunt, the legendary
Fonda Cox
, answers your queries…