pink weddings magazine » 77
Ask FondA
putting on weight. Imagine all the money you’ll save
on not having to buy bigger clothes every six months
if you marry an utter b@st#rd!
DEAR FONDA
, one of my bridesmaids bought her
dress a size too small, telling everyone she planned
to slim down. There’s only four months left until the
wedding, and if anything, I think she’s put on weight
– should I say something, or just wait until we have a
dress fitting?
Ahh this is a tricky one. Every wedding needs the full
range of bridesmaids, from the irritating child right
through to the dumpy one squeezed into a peach
taffeta sausage skin, with the obligatory sexy friend
that you force into a hideous dress to prevent your
partner’s eyes from wandering. So you could just enjoy
the fact that your salad-dodging friend completes
your set or you could treat her to a kebab at the end
of your hen night... Take her to the roughest kebab
shop in town, the one with cockroaches nibbling on a
Rennie in the window, and buy her an undercooked
chicken special. Food poisoning is by far the easiest
way to lose weight fast.
DEAR FONDA
, our wedding is seven months away,
but I can’t sleep at night with the stress of planning
it all. What can I do chill myself out?
Get yourself a wedding planner, they’re like debt
consolidation companies. Why have lots of small
things to worry about, when you can get someone
to combine them all into one massive uncontrollable
debt. Someone who takes over your special day and
insists on foie gras and ice sculptures at every table,
under the idea that ‘it's the happiest day of your life,
you want it to be special!’ Let me tell you, I once met
an A list celebrity at an orgy – THAT was the
happiest day of my life, and I couldn’t tell you what,
if any, snacks were served or what colour their table
linens were. It’s only a boozy lunch in a ridiculous
dress – CHILLAX!!
DEAR FONDA
, people are inviting themselves to our
wedding. How can I politely tell them they aren’t on
the guest list?
There are so many ways around this. You can book a
venue that no one likes, or one that’s too small. Make
a wedding gift list that no one can afford, where the
cheapest gift is a £1,000 Fabergé egg. Or my personal
favourite is to invite them all to a pre-wedding
barbecue, get horrifically drunk and tell them what
you think of them. This has the further benefit of
saving you money at Christmas and birthdays too,
when they cross you off their list. Or if you're too
polite to be so harsh, just make sure you undercook all
the sausages and throw the barbecue a day before
your wedding – then none of them will come unless
they have a bucket that matches their fascinator!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is
available for hire – email
‘Honey! You’re
asking a drag
queen if it’s ok
to overdress..?
I wear sequins
in working
men’s clubs!’
FondA
